What do you think a girl’s fear will be? As I am a woman of 30 years age, I have faced the worst issues, even if I couldn’t handle the situation better, I tried surviving; because this is the important part where we look for a rescuers or a life savers. My life saver is my own hope.
I must introduce myself to talk about what my fears were and anxieties are. I was an active kid during my babyhood, I am the only daughter of my parents. So they tried securing me every time. I am always talkative, jovial and very friendly. I always respect people and their emotions.
I belong to a caste where every other communities degrade us. But I am glad that my generation are not a part of it completely. So I am kind of relieved in this caste and community system. But elders, teachers, principal isolated me from my classmates. I haven’t talked about it to my parents. Since they spent their time to give us a healthy life and environment. I thought not to ruin their thoughts. I wished that they must not know what I go through. My happiness and talkative nature faded lightly.
I got transferred to another school where the culture and everything were completely different. They respect their students, they taught me how to respect and how to enjoy every aspect of life. I took part in all kind of extra curricular activities. (In my previous school, they always strike my name out from the participants list. They always rejected me without looking at my performance. I love drawing, singing and writing. But they never helped or supported me to improve my talents where I can be good at. )
In my new school, I always won prizes and rewards whenever I participate in competitions like drawing, singing & poetry. Earlier my parents thought I was an average student. But they were surprised when I get to know that I have many talents and I was just not capable of revealing it.
During school days, I was a B grade student. I always wanted to play, draw or write poems. I never left a place without marking it with my art and signature.
After moving to engineering college, I came to understand that education is mandatory to get a job and earn enough money. I stayed in hostel to pursue my college education. I started to understand that looking into oneself is not a easy thing. When the responsibility increased I started behaving like a matured girl. I watched my father struggling with his job even when his health is not good, I studied harder and harder, I built my confidence. And finally graduated. (Casteism never left me even in college. I was shy to enclose my caste and I thought it is not mandatory to introduce myself with my caste name. Most of my friends thought that I belong to a different caste. My lecturer during first semester didn’t give attendance since I was 2 mins late to class. Even if I am punctual, he find an excuse to make me stand outside the class. He tried pushing me down whenever he got the opportunity. I had even decided to leave the college and stay at home helping mom. But my father said “Don’t listen to anyone. People talk. If you listen, you will never have time to look at yourself”. My daddy is One hundred percent right. I remembered it every single time when I was torn apart. I stick myself together, I got up, studied harder and harder till I succeeded. )
When people started demotivating me, my talkativeness and jovial attitude left from me. I started living in a quiet space but I was always the jovial young lady to my close friends. None will clearly understand what runs in my mind except my roomies.
What is the next phase of everyone’s life? Marriage?! Not at all. I applied jobs in overseas hospitals. I even got job opportunity to work in London’s famous hospital. But have you heard about bad omen. Yes, I had it too. It comes in a name of love. None lived without falling in love, I am not an exception though. I decided to work in my own state itself. I never know what would love be?! how people would express love?! As I have already said love is a bad omen. That bad omen is not love but the person I met. He started doubting me because I have plenty of friends. I didn’t tried proving him that he is wrong. If someone doubts us, they always doubts even if we smile at our shadows. I thought it was not necessary for me to prove anyone that I am right.
If I am true to myself, I don’t have to worry about anyone’s doubts. Why did he actually doubted me? Because he fell in love with another girl. Do I have to fight to get him back or leave him with what he wanted. Yes, I left him without creating any scene or making a mess. He came again, he regretted about his mistake. Girls are good at forgiving but not forgetting. I forgave and he started repeating the same mistake. Should I trust this fellow again? Actually, I did. It was like a loop. So I don’t have to explain again. Somehow 5 years passed, I decided to leave him for the last time and not to get back into him. If people commits mistake for a first time, it is okay. But what if they repeats it? I am not his parent or his teacher to teach him how to love someone truly?!.
It is not easy to recover from that first true love. I was transparent, trust worthy and always helping. But what did I get back? Betrayal & pain. I self harmed, I did all stupid things. I went into psychiatric counselling. Nothing changed. Finally decided to move from the place. Quit my job, stayed with family, lived in a quiet space, reading books and novels.
Have you ever read a romantic novel and imagined the characters as you and illustrated every scene as it is happening in your life? Yes, I did. I started longing for love and care. Even if my parents showered me their love, I expected someone to show me love. I longed for one true love.
Do you think it is a good idea to fall in love again? Yes, I did that too. But the mistake is I had fallen for a wrong man. It didn’t go well. Started to feel that men are men. Why aren’t they good enough to people who loves them truly?
I started loving myself, I expected nothing from others. I started living my life. I travelled to another state where everything was completely different. I felt the nature’s beauty. I fell in love with the weather, trees, rain, travelling and music. I started understanding self love. And I valued myself.
Is everyone allowed to stay happy for their lifetime? Not at all. It is in the hands of my family, friends and environment. In this case, my family never wanted me to stay away from them. Because it was 10 long years I stayed away from them. I visited them only during festivals. Now they want me to get marry. But who will my groom be? The hunt for a groom started. I started rejecting because I was scared about marrying a stranger. I guess I am not the only one who is scared of marrying a stranger. Who finally got marry? Definitely not me, my elder brother got married. But the hunt of my groom never stopped? Should I now accept anyone they show or rejects for no reason? Actually I started rejecting..
Now I am 30. When I look at my friends who are married and has kids, I regret that I made a wrong choice. I would have chosen anyone to start the new life.
I think everyone is fond of kids. I am not an exception though. I feel old now. This makes me to overthink a lot these days. My anxiety is improving each day. When my menstruation date is skipped for a day or two. I worry if it may make me infertile. I think overthinking is a quality of ageing. What my overthinking is asking me to do now?
Adopt a baby, girl. There are plenty of kids who doesn’t have a family. Why don’t I take a responsibility for a kid so that she will call me a mommy and I treat her like my kid?
Okay, let me stop here. First I must take care of myself. Without treating myself properly, how could I take responsibility of a child?
P.S I want everyone to stay happy and healthy. But please never betray anyone’s trust. This will hurt them. If you are not okay with their behaviour, tell them to their face. They will try to change or end the relationship. Never try to take revenge. They don’t deserve it. Let them live a life. If a chapter is over, there is no point in rewriting with another sequence.