The delightful torment (cont..)

Few asked me via mail why I have not talked about the human pleasure a bit too deep. My last article was based on the talk with friends Who are close to my heart.

Few are guilty about the things I shared, few have queries WHAT IF (let me answer your queries), few stopped talking to me and few appreciated me for writing up about the dark fantasies. Yes! Everyone has their opinions, and I appreciate it for standing with their thoughts.

I have a male friend who always talk about Sin. By the way, what is Sin? How do we know if the act we do is unjustly right and fair? How do we declare something we do is immoral or dishonest? He also threatens me that I may spend a minute in hell for being a wicked and unscrupulous person. Don’t ask me if I’m a wicked person? I am not. I always love to annoy people with freaky scenarios. He gets irritated by me for being a weird woman.

If the thing we do is not at all making us to feel guilty, then what we are doing is definitely right. If you are 0.01% guilty about something, watch your steps, you are going to spend a second or minute in hell (am I sounding like my friend?! Actually YES, I believe him, but not one hundred percent). Do you understand why I mentioned this here? You can look at other women or men but when you realise that you are ditching your man or woman, please stop it right there. It’s just a vibration and it is never gonna last. We find this vibration from everyone we come across, but we never expose it unless they approach.

Oops.. wait.. I am not talking about few men or women who has no purpose in life. They don’t have moral values. They don’t think about dishonest and unjustly manner. They do what they want. They never realise the sufferings of others. All they wish to do is abuse and molest and never regret. This is definitely a sin. Because the act they do is making the affected one to lose faith and eventually spoils their mentality.

A girl I know who is of my age was raped when she was 12 years old. She never know what sex is, she never know what it feels like when a man touches her body. She haven’t reached her puberty age. She was just a kid. The rapists ran away after ruining her soul. She was drenched in blood and semen. She was later witnessed by her family. She was completely shattered. She is scared about men later on, she got shivers when a man comes next to her. DON’T WORRY. She is now a strong woman. She is a brave young lady, she is inspiring few. She believes that just because she was raped, she is not weak, she has a wonderful life, she talks about it boldly to let others voice out about their mental traumas. She always had a second thought about suicide. But she never tried to. She thought not to hurt her family or her friends by being a coward.

Is it her fault? Do you think that she deserves it? Do you think that someone can find a pleasure from a kid? What happened had just happened. Nothing can be erased or removed from her memory. Even the days, months and years make her memory to fade. But it still exists at some corner of her mind. It will last forever. But why aren’t those bastards (a person with no quality- can be called this way) are thinking about the future of the kids. Is it that simple? Couldn’t they find a prostitute to satisfy their pleasure?

If someone touch you without your permission, you can scream or call out for help or just run away from them. Speak out about your mental trauma to someone you trust. Tell them that you are not comfortable. You have strength to break their manhood. But you don’t have to. If it is necessary, definitely you can. He can’t complain. You don’t have to hide just because something happened. If some bastards are out alive with guts, why do you have to bend over?

Learn about it before trying. We never had an idea about sex education but nowadays everything has come in advance. There are lot more documentaries and series about sex education. But in my days We call it gender instead of calling it sex because we thought it was a sin. We never had guts to talk to a male friend because we thought it was a sin. We feared to touch each other, because we thought it would make us pregnant. We were shy because our family and neighbours thought having opposite gender friendship is a sin. Later on, the next generation kids started teasing us for being so dumb. Aren’t we lucky that we were innocents in our school days? Aren’t we lucky that we never had an idea about human pleasures till we were teenagers? Aren’t we lucky that being shy in front of our crush is a butterfly feel?

What is your idea about sex before marriage? Do you consider it a sin? If you think this is nothing but a sin, who is affected by it (both the genders are undoubtedly happy, they explored the pleasures, they find it completely that this sex is a pure connection of love). Sex is not a mistake. But we never know that the love partner we have now will destined to be our life partner or not. We just enjoy their existence. We never think about the future, we never plan about tomorrow. We live the life that we have today. If you break up with your love, if you get married to someone else, if you decide not to marry anyone, never try to chase the one you loved if he/ she is married. This is not what either of you deserve. Let them live their life.

What if your partner hates sex but you love? What if your partner ignores you when it comes to pleasure? What if either of you don’t find the sexual vibe from each other? Is it good to complain about your partner to your friends? I can advise you one thing, just sit and talk. Ask them why? Ask them why not? Just because they refuse sex now, it doesn’t mean they are going to refuse it lifelong. They may think that it is not the right time. Lets give them time and space. Don’t lose the love of your life just for a pleasure. Consider it a kind of test your partner is giving you. He/ she may test your patience. They may estimate you with your reaction. Don’t think about break up. Don’t argue for this. Don’t fight for it. You will get it someday. That day you will realise sex is nothing.

It is nothing to worry about virginity but we still fear if the love of our life slept with other man/ woman. Why do we have this gut feeling? Aren’t we trusting our life partner? Actually we do, but when they outspokenly say about their date or a one night stand. We fear. We doubt if he/ she date anyone now or later. Please never ask your loved ones about their past not because it will make them melancholic but you will also lose your peace and happiness. You will doubt their every single move. Let them forget. Let you forgive. This is the least thing we can do just to enlighten our existing life.

P.S Pleasure may come from illusion, but happiness can come only of reality. True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future. So they thoroughly taught each other that one cannot take pleasure without giving pleasure, and that every gesture, every caress, every touch, every glance, every last bit of the body has its secret, which brings happiness to the person who knows how to wake it. They taught each other that after a celebration of love the lovers should not part without admiring each other, without being conquered or having conquered, so that neither is bleak or glutted or has the bad feeling of being used or misused.

Gracias

The delightful Torment

Content Warning / Trigger Warning

What’s in a point of holding up the feelings to ourselves? If you do, then you are not living your life. You are just living the life of someone else’s.

Why am I having an hard time to reveal what I am going to write about.

Alright! Let me be straight here. I am here to talk about someone’s untold desires. That someone may be one of you or your partner or even your crush.

You might think how would I know if it is even untold. Huh!! Finish reading my article. I may reveal how I found it (depends on how I complete this).

What is lovemaking? What is your opinion about it? Is it just a pleasure or something beyond that? After all we are humans, we can be wild or we can be prey based on how we are.

To all the men out there, let me ask you a scenario. You are married and you are telling your darkest fantasies to your partner; What if she jumps in shock? Won’t you be ashamed of what you did? You have to carry this shame till your skins are wrinkled and your body shivers. So are you destined to bury your fantasies or try it with someone else?

A woman I know who is married sent me an audio note few months ago. She said that she is disappointed with her life. From there, she started complaining. She found out that her husband is having an affair. She also took screenshots of their text conversations as a proof. She started crying while reading their conversations. What made her to cry? They have talked about their intimacy.

So what have they discussed in their text conversation? I know you are excited to know. He said HE LOVED HER BROWN NIPPLES. She said HE HAD MEASURED THE DEPTH OF HER. I guess you understood. Does it really matter – the colour of the nipples? Isn’t it for breastfeeding babies? Why are women’s nipples considered a sexual organ but not the men’s nipples.

Let me talk about the features of nipples. The stimulation of the nipple during breastfeeding increases the amount of the hormone oxytocin that circulates. Oxytocin is often referred to as the “cuddling hormone” because it is released by male and female mammals during close social encounters of various kinds.

In addition to its general social effects, whereby a mother feels closeness for the baby she is feeding, there are other more specialized functions of oxytocin.

Another is sexual arousal and orgasm. Some women experiencing intense pleasure, even orgasm, from breastfeeding. This phenomenon was long written off as a mere oddity but neuroscientists are beginning to understand why it happens.

Women feels great when man appreciates her body. But why is it necessary to compare woman’s body? Every thing arose from pornography. We always look at mannequins the perfect body but it is just a plastic (mannequin is a french word means “An Artist’s model”, casted from a real human being). Even it is a plastic, the real human being behind that mannequin is a woman and man with the perfect body parts. This doesn’t mean that not everyone has perfect body shape. The pornographic actors and actress are just like the mannequins. After all they are actors, everything that you watch are a myth. They are subjected to fake cries and moans. So here comes an issue, Women expects a large manhood and men expects a perfect body women. You cannot expect your woman to moan like the actress do. And you cannot expect your man to fuck you for hours. (I don’t wish to give a deep explanation because you will realise the fact someday.)

We all know, no one is of perfect body shape. TV feeds false depiction of life to everyone. To all the men, appreciate your women’s body. Women! You are not an exception though, appreciate your men for what he is capable of. It is never gonna matter when you grow old. The only thing that matters the most is LOVE. Lust will never lasts. LOVE will surely lasts forever.

Hey man! make your woman walk with pride and confidence. Don’t let her lose faith about herself and her body. Hey ladies! You too. Never ever compare him or her with anyone else.

Can we seek others to satisfy our sexual desires? If you say YES, you don’t deserve the love. You are the utter shame to the humankind. If you are surely willing to do it, you are trying to betray your loved ones. If your partner is not okay with your fantasies, bury it anyways. Never think about having an affair. You are going to end up alone if he / she finds you ditching him / her.

Everyone wonder how couples maintain their sex life after having children. I know a girl who is married and has a 3 year old child. Whenever she tried to have intimacy with her husband, her girl would wake up and jumps to sleep between them. Most parents know that having less sex is part of life with a new baby. Yet when the children are a bit older, when the couples are less tired and they will have more opportunity to be intimate.

Does the body need pleasure even when we are at our 60s? Sex isn’t like a carton of milk that goes sour after a certain date. In fact, sex is more like fine wine; it improves with age. most people want and need sex well past 60, and continue to have it often, even well into their 80s. Sex when you’re young is sometimes frantic, explosive, and athletic. As your body slows down, sex can soften and change into more of a slow burn, but it can still be just as hot. It’s not about how often you have sex and it’s not about how many positions you can be in. It’s really about sexual pleasure, and your relationship and connection you have with your partner. When you’re less concerned about your sex stats and more focused on good communication, you’ll have just as much pleasure and passion as you did when you were young. It may just look different than it used to.

Do you think oral sex is mandatory for the physical pleasure? Myth about oral sex have long existed amongst Indians. Yet, oral sex has indisputably emerged as the hottest and newest trend among people down under. However, in India, we still notice a strong reluctance towards the, otherwise believed, most pleasurable act. In fact, oral sex is listed as ‘illegal and unnatural offences’ under Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code, stated as being ‘carnal intercourse against the order of nature’, which does not carry the potential for procreation. Apart from the legal restrictions, a lot of Indians also seem to nurture erroneous beliefs to perform or avoid oral sex. It is wrongly related to the culture of the country and is not merely considered as an act of pleasure. In India, there’s a lack of education, which has made couples ignorant about oral sex. Young girls often fear pregnancy or might relate their irregular periods to indulging in oral sex, which is untrue as the two have no correlation.

What if you are interested in oral sex and your partner is not? Then he/ she believes the myth which is Oral sex is always unhygienic, though one’s personal hygiene completely depends on their innate routines and habits, Indians still get a repulsive feeling towards the oral form of sex. If either of the partners does not believe in cleanliness and freshness, there is an understandable reluctance towards oral sex. It’s a fact that sex organs secrete and also that a man urinates and ejaculates from the same point, but maintaining good hygiene can ensure an enjoyable act.

Sex is just a pleasure. Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, it’s easy to start taking your partner for granted. The little things they do for us on a daily basis start to seem routine; they are no longer special.

P.S Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.

Merci

A woman’s disclosure

This revelation is not to hurt anyone but to say that the woman I know is helpless & disappointed. The woman I know is desperately seeks love and care.

Should I address her a woman or with any name? I am naming her Grace (I felt that this name suits her). Grace doesn’t want me to share her name but she wants everyone to know what she is going through.

Grace is a charming lady with kind heart & happiness. Everyone loves to be with her because she is a fun filled woman. You will definitely fall in love with her if you talk to her for the first time. Everyone adores her. She was an inspiration to many in her college days.

No one in the world had a smooth life without any disaster. But what is the disaster in her life? Grace’s mother made her to do all the household works when she was just a school kid. Her mother never looked at her, never cared her but blamed her when Grace scored less mark. Her mother said to everyone that her child (Grace) is characterless when Grace failed to help her mother with household activities. Her mother never cooked her food for lunch to school. And Grace never asked her mother to prepare food for her either. Because she knows nothing will happen and nothing changes.

Grace left her home and stayed in hostel to do her college education. She refused to visit her home during her holidays and vacations.

Years passed, Grace went to earn money. So then what? Her mother treated her well because she needed her child’s earning. Even Grace never refused to give her earning to her mother. Grace’s father working in a different district with an illness allowed her to stay brave.

Grace came to know that her mother is having a relationship with another man. What can she do? Can she fight to make her mother understand that men who flirts with a married woman are bastards? But how is she going to react? Can she ask someone for help? Can she tell it to her father to save their relationship? What can she do?

Out of frustration, She called her mother and scolded her badly. What did her mother do? Talked ill about Grace to family, friends and neighbours. Grace never broke down. She wish to stood for her family. She always wanted her family together. She ignored talking about it to anyone. Even when everyone asked her, why she is upset; she kept quiet. But why is this for? Is this going to make her family bonding stronger?

Grace started hating everyone. She realised that she is failing. She couldn’t do anything. She became weak. She got disappointed. She is helpless.

Her father found his wife’s relationship. You know what happened then? They fought, they blame each other. Grace’s peace faded away. Everything happened what she prayed not to happen. Anyhow she is glad that her mother will be out of this thing.

You know what happened next? Her mother never felt guilty about it. She talked ill about everyone to her husband. She is good at manipulating people. Grace’s father didn’t talk to her for 2 days. She worried about her father. She loves her father a lot. So she wanted to know why her father stopped talking to her? Her father asked her ‘do you love anyone?’ She was shocked. She was not in love with anyone. If she is, she would definitely say YES!. She wanted to know who rumoured about her? It is none other than her own mother.

Grace is done. Grace has lost his interest to live. She always felt jealousy when any of her friends tell her that their mom feed them & braided their hairs. She longed for it. The space of motherhood cannot be filled by anyone else. Even if she is surrounded by people who cares her, she misses a huge thing in her life. Its her mother.

She wandered why is this happening to her? She wandered why her mother talking ill about her child?, she wandered why her mother never cared her?, she wandered why she is unhappy, she wandered why she cannot accept it and let go?

She still loves her mother, she still loves her a lot and She still cares her so much. But her mother is not understanding it. But WHY?

Even if Grace expresses her solitude life through her silence, her mother never realised it.

I tell her not to worry and her mother will understand her someday.

What will you say to this soul? Doesn’t she deserve a happy life?

She is still chanting I AM DONE and willing to kill herself so that she won’t suffer anymore.

P.S To few parents, if you are unhappy with your life; don’t let your children suffer. You don’t have to feed your frustration to your kids. Let them live peacefully. I don’t want any Grace to suffer like this and cry in darkness.

Gracias

Karma never lies

What do you know about Karma? Have you ever chanted this KARMA IS A BOOMERANG in your life? If you have, then let me tell you, someone has hurt your feelings and that someone has never felt guilty about it even when you tell them that you are unhappy with what they did.

Why are we just chanting instead of acting like them? Aren’t we having guts to break them as well? Why do we stay calm every single time?

What is karma actually? It is the law of cause and effect, the great law is what comes to mind for many people when consider what karma means. It states that whatever thoughts or energy we put out, we get back if it is either good or bad. “It’s like sowing and reaping, If you plant love and kindness, you shall get that in return.” You don’t just wait for good things to magically happen in your life; you have to actively go out there and make things happen.

You have heard someone chanting “Karma’s a bitch,” right? We hear that all the time. Somebody does something good, they get good karma. Something bad happens to someone, that’s because they had bad karma. But that’s not how it works. Surprised? Me too! We all think we know what karma means, but do we?

Importantly, karma is not set in stone, is not out of our control, and is not indirect. By this, I mean you don’t do good things with hopes of getting a randomly good outcome (karma is not doing your chores this week in hopes of winning the lottery).

Instead, it means that the steps of your life, your spiritual development, and your personality are directly molded by your thoughts and actions. Present you affects future you.

Karma has nothing to do with “fate.” If you do something negative, it doesn’t mean that something negative has to happen to you to “even it out.”

Let me share what my deep thoughts were. I always wanted to comfort everyone, I always thought of helping others, I have never felt of hurting anyone just for what they did. Im not a monk & I am not even a saint to just kept quiet for everything. Now let me reveal my deep thoughts. I always thought that they don’t deserve me, and I thought that some form of energy watches them doing a fault which will someday teach them that they are facing it because they did it to someone someday.

Is it a kind of satisfaction to wait and watch? I’m serious. Karma is not fate. Karma is an internal power that we create, for good or bad.

When we shift this to say “that’s karma,” when a bad thing happens to us, we are giving up our internal power. We are giving up our ability to change things.

It’s because of this false view that we desire to transform karma into a sort of cash machine based on our ethical and spiritual behavior.

However, if we can let go of this understanding of happiness, we can see that all we need is to live deeply in the present moment with mindfulness and discover our true nature.

Karma is simply energy. It’s our intentional thoughts and actions. The energy we generate now and in the future will affect us. It has nothing to do with reward or punishment. Karma is unbiased and it’s ours to control.

So now, let we talk about good, bad karmas & their results. First of all, let me embrace this clearly without confusing anyone’s idea or thoughts.

What are the good karmas? They are volunteering in a community, loving others as yourself & choosing what is moral over what is easy. What will be the results if we create good karma? You will be shocked with the results. Those are Strengthens society, which ultimately benefits you, increases your wisdom, helps you keep your negative emotions in balance & heals your soul.

What are the bad karmas then? Oppressing people, abusing power, stealing & cheating. You will bear bad results when you create a bad karma. They are enfeebling society, destroying your close relationships, losing your sense of self & being punished by society.

I am not a spiritual person to write briefly about Karma & its effects. But do we really know that if we are creating bad or good karma?

I always wonder if I am really a good person or not. Everyone around us, everyone close to us, says that we are a down to earth person. But each one one of us has their dark sides and we just refuse to relieve it to the world. Because we worry if it may leads to lose a relationship.

Do you think everyone is as good as they are. Everyone has their own traumas. Everyone has come across doing sins even they don’t even know that it’s a sin. So do we have to criticise them for their sins? Not at all, every one of us are guilty deep inside, we are trying to change. And we are altering our lives just to make our life better.

Which is the biggest sin than any other karma? Praying something bad for someone who betrayed us, cheated us & even broken us apart. If that someone did deserve a best bad effect for their actions, they will definitely face it with all their heart and there is no escaping. You don’t have to let them escape from their actions by taking a revenge or praying bad for them.

Say it to your heart, ‘Everything happens for a reason’.

YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.

P.S Karma never lies. But you can. And there is no escaping.

A mind game

Aren’t we clear that at some point someone is manipulating us in every aspects of our life? From our childhood till we step into a life of retirement. Most of us doesn’t know that we are being manipulated.

How are we manipulated? Isn’t this a good question? Just to make my content clear, we must know how will someone manipulate us? What is the role of manipulation? By the way, manipulation is a skill, an unscrupulous talent. Do you think that manipulators are talented. Obviously yes, if they have the skill to ruin your peace and happiness. Then YES, they are most talented.

Manipulation is an emotionally unhealthy psychological strategy used by people who are incapable of asking for what they want and need in a direct way. People who are trying to manipulate others are trying to control others.

Have we ever questioned us that we are listening them and their voices? Aren’t we an individual? Isn’t like we are giving them an advantage by listening their voices?

Manipulative behavior involves three factors: fear, obligation and guilt. When you are being manipulated by someone you are being psychologically coerced into doing something you probably don’t really want to do. You might feel scared to do it, obligated to do it, or guilty about not doing it.

I point out two common manipulators: the bully and the victim. A bully makes you feel fearful and might use aggression, threats and intimidation to control you. The victim engenders a feeling of guilt in their target. The victim usually acts hurt. But while manipulators often play the victim, the reality is that they are the ones who have caused the problem.

A person who is targeted by manipulators who play the victim often try to help the manipulator in order to stop feeling guilty. Targets of this kind of manipulation often feel responsible for helping the victim by doing whatever they can to stop their suffering.

Gaslighting is often used to identify manipulation that gets people to question themselves, their reality, memory or thoughts. A manipulative person might twist what you say and make it about them, hijack the conversation or make you feel like you’ve done something wrong when you’re not quite sure you have.

If you’re being gaslighted, you might feel a false sense of guilt or defensiveness—like you failed completely or must have done something wrong when, in reality, that’s not the case.

“Manipulators blame,”. “They don’t take responsibility.”

When will we identify the manipulators? At every point of entering a new stage of life, we break down or sit to understand if it is a right time to move on. There comes the trouble. People who watches us from distance will console us with their ideas and thoughts. If we are open to other thoughts, we sit and listen until we make up our mind that their advise is right. We never stop them because we really want someone to show us right path. But What if their advise is not according to our passion and our morality? Do we have to choose their role based on their passion and morality? When are we going to follow ours? We have also stopped asking ourselves before letting others into our mind.

Why do we worry about the manipulators? They manipulate us in every single way. From ruining a relationship to till we ruin others as well. Let me share my experience before I move into the statement. I know a lady who is 2 years elder to me. She is a good manipulator. She observes people. She knows every single move of her environment. She is very clever but she acts dump when it comes to common sense. If I get angry at someone, I don’t quarrel or fight, I always isolate myself to avoid it. I do this often because I always want them to understand the reason for my silence. I want them to regret for their mistakes. If that lady, watches me sitting alone, she comes to me talking ill about them increasing my temper. If our temper is high, we always wanted to show it to the one who made us to sit alone not to the one who manipulated us. She will even talk ill about me to them just to make them not to regret for what they have done. And finally, the relationship is ruined. I can still try to reunite but I have to blame that lady. But who the real stupid is? ME.. exactly the only me.

Have anyone tried blaming others instead of blaming ourselves for it? I have done it plenty of times. “She is responsible”, “he was the one”, “she asked me to..”. But later I realised that I am the one responsible because I allowed them to take advantages.

I have even gossiped about others. I have one thought in mind whenever I talked about someone behind their back. What if the listener got manipulated by what I said? What if they hate them because of me? What if they ignore them because of me? What if they are good to them but I am still trying to manipulate that they are not good but ill minded people?

What these inner voices made me?

Stop talking about others.

Stop manipulating.

I am not even a good person if I still talk about a true facts about others behind their back.

If you think for a minute, we will never allow anyone to take a step forward to manipulate us.

How do we stop them manipulating us? It is a challenge. But it is worth a try.

Never respond.

Never listen them.

Never give them a reply.

Never show them that you are disappointed.

Never let them know that you are looking for a change.

Never ask them for a suggestion.

Never stop listening yourself.

Never mute yourself from saying NO.

The story of a overthinker

What do you think a girl’s fear will be? As I am a woman of 30 years age, I have faced the worst issues, even if I couldn’t handle the situation better, I tried surviving; because this is the important part where we look for a rescuers or a life savers. My life saver is my own hope.

I must introduce myself to talk about what my fears were and anxieties are. I was an active kid during my babyhood, I am the only daughter of my parents. So they tried securing me every time. I am always talkative, jovial and very friendly. I always respect people and their emotions.

I belong to a caste where every other communities degrade us. But I am glad that my generation are not a part of it completely. So I am kind of relieved in this caste and community system. But elders, teachers, principal isolated me from my classmates. I haven’t talked about it to my parents. Since they spent their time to give us a healthy life and environment. I thought not to ruin their thoughts. I wished that they must not know what I go through. My happiness and talkative nature faded lightly.

I got transferred to another school where the culture and everything were completely different. They respect their students, they taught me how to respect and how to enjoy every aspect of life. I took part in all kind of extra curricular activities. (In my previous school, they always strike my name out from the participants list. They always rejected me without looking at my performance. I love drawing, singing and writing. But they never helped or supported me to improve my talents where I can be good at. )

In my new school, I always won prizes and rewards whenever I participate in competitions like drawing, singing & poetry. Earlier my parents thought I was an average student. But they were surprised when I get to know that I have many talents and I was just not capable of revealing it.

During school days, I was a B grade student. I always wanted to play, draw or write poems. I never left a place without marking it with my art and signature.

After moving to engineering college, I came to understand that education is mandatory to get a job and earn enough money. I stayed in hostel to pursue my college education. I started to understand that looking into oneself is not a easy thing. When the responsibility increased I started behaving like a matured girl. I watched my father struggling with his job even when his health is not good, I studied harder and harder, I built my confidence. And finally graduated. (Casteism never left me even in college. I was shy to enclose my caste and I thought it is not mandatory to introduce myself with my caste name. Most of my friends thought that I belong to a different caste. My lecturer during first semester didn’t give attendance since I was 2 mins late to class. Even if I am punctual, he find an excuse to make me stand outside the class. He tried pushing me down whenever he got the opportunity. I had even decided to leave the college and stay at home helping mom. But my father said “Don’t listen to anyone. People talk. If you listen, you will never have time to look at yourself”. My daddy is One hundred percent right. I remembered it every single time when I was torn apart. I stick myself together, I got up, studied harder and harder till I succeeded. )

When people started demotivating me, my talkativeness and jovial attitude left from me. I started living in a quiet space but I was always the jovial young lady to my close friends. None will clearly understand what runs in my mind except my roomies.

What is the next phase of everyone’s life? Marriage?! Not at all. I applied jobs in overseas hospitals. I even got job opportunity to work in London’s famous hospital. But have you heard about bad omen. Yes, I had it too. It comes in a name of love. None lived without falling in love, I am not an exception though. I decided to work in my own state itself. I never know what would love be?! how people would express love?! As I have already said love is a bad omen. That bad omen is not love but the person I met. He started doubting me because I have plenty of friends. I didn’t tried proving him that he is wrong. If someone doubts us, they always doubts even if we smile at our shadows. I thought it was not necessary for me to prove anyone that I am right.

If I am true to myself, I don’t have to worry about anyone’s doubts. Why did he actually doubted me? Because he fell in love with another girl. Do I have to fight to get him back or leave him with what he wanted. Yes, I left him without creating any scene or making a mess. He came again, he regretted about his mistake. Girls are good at forgiving but not forgetting. I forgave and he started repeating the same mistake. Should I trust this fellow again? Actually, I did. It was like a loop. So I don’t have to explain again. Somehow 5 years passed, I decided to leave him for the last time and not to get back into him. If people commits mistake for a first time, it is okay. But what if they repeats it? I am not his parent or his teacher to teach him how to love someone truly?!.

It is not easy to recover from that first true love. I was transparent, trust worthy and always helping. But what did I get back? Betrayal & pain. I self harmed, I did all stupid things. I went into psychiatric counselling. Nothing changed. Finally decided to move from the place. Quit my job, stayed with family, lived in a quiet space, reading books and novels.

Have you ever read a romantic novel and imagined the characters as you and illustrated every scene as it is happening in your life? Yes, I did. I started longing for love and care. Even if my parents showered me their love, I expected someone to show me love. I longed for one true love.

Do you think it is a good idea to fall in love again? Yes, I did that too. But the mistake is I had fallen for a wrong man. It didn’t go well. Started to feel that men are men. Why aren’t they good enough to people who loves them truly?

I started loving myself, I expected nothing from others. I started living my life. I travelled to another state where everything was completely different. I felt the nature’s beauty. I fell in love with the weather, trees, rain, travelling and music. I started understanding self love. And I valued myself.

Is everyone allowed to stay happy for their lifetime? Not at all. It is in the hands of my family, friends and environment. In this case, my family never wanted me to stay away from them. Because it was 10 long years I stayed away from them. I visited them only during festivals. Now they want me to get marry. But who will my groom be? The hunt for a groom started. I started rejecting because I was scared about marrying a stranger. I guess I am not the only one who is scared of marrying a stranger. Who finally got marry? Definitely not me, my elder brother got married. But the hunt of my groom never stopped? Should I now accept anyone they show or rejects for no reason? Actually I started rejecting..

Now I am 30. When I look at my friends who are married and has kids, I regret that I made a wrong choice. I would have chosen anyone to start the new life.

I think everyone is fond of kids. I am not an exception though. I feel old now. This makes me to overthink a lot these days. My anxiety is improving each day. When my menstruation date is skipped for a day or two. I worry if it may make me infertile. I think overthinking is a quality of ageing. What my overthinking is asking me to do now?

Adopt a baby, girl. There are plenty of kids who doesn’t have a family. Why don’t I take a responsibility for a kid so that she will call me a mommy and I treat her like my kid?

Okay, let me stop here. First I must take care of myself. Without treating myself properly, how could I take responsibility of a child?

P.S I want everyone to stay happy and healthy. But please never betray anyone’s trust. This will hurt them. If you are not okay with their behaviour, tell them to their face. They will try to change or end the relationship. Never try to take revenge. They don’t deserve it. Let them live a life. If a chapter is over, there is no point in rewriting with another sequence.

One soulful vow

Bring it on-

And let truth be my existence.

Value my life-

And tell me like it is.

Bark at me when I’m wrong-

And hug me when I’m right.

Praise me if I succeed-

And tell me if I fail.

Laugh at me if you think I’m funny-

And wink at me if you think I’ m cute Yell at me if I ever hurt you-

And scold me if I’m ever bad.

I want my world to be real-

And I want to see your spirit.

I want to hear you breathe-

And I want to know how you feel.

Keep things real with me,

Because I want to be alive,

Don’t waste my time with insincerities.

Keep my world real.

10 Facts Every Woman Should Know:

1. Everyone has rolls when they bend over.

2. When someone tells you that you’re beautiful, believe them. They aren’t lying.

3. Sometimes we all wake up with breath that could kill a goat.

4. For every woman unhappy with her stretch marks is another woman who wishes she had them.

5. You should definitely have more confidence. And if you saw yourself the way others see you, you would.

6. Don’t look for a man to save you. Be able to save yourself.

7. It’s okay to not love every part of your body….but you should.

8. We all have that one friend who seems to have it all together. That woman with the seemingly perfect life. Well, you might be that woman to someone else.

9. You should be a priority. Not an option, a last resort, or a backup plan.

10. You’re a woman. That alone makes you pretty damn remarkable

Dear Dad,

To my precious father..
To my first love..
To my super hero..

Every girl in this universe loves their daddy more than anyone else.

I guess you have find the caption of my today’s content. Yes, this is none other than but about my daddy.

A first boy child born to a wealthy middle class farmer parents from Tirunelveli. They were overwhelmed with joy about his arrival.

They named him Asaithambi. (I always wonder why they named him thambi (younger brother) even though he was the first son to his parents). He is an active, playful boy during his childhood days.

He studied harder and walked miles to attend his school education. He studied under a street light since his home doesn’t have electricity. (You might think what this boy were doing during day time, let me tell you he might also be doing the same thing we did during our childhood days).

He is a self obedient boy and and also treated everyone with respect. He cleared his school education and graduated from bachelor of science in mathematics. Since he has been brought up from an uneducated family, he understood the value of education system and tried to help his siblings and natives as well.

He wondered for jobs and he has no idea about choosing a career. His ambition is to become a cop and he trained hardly to have a fit body for physical examination. But his uncle strictly disallowed him from joining police jobs.

He later studied harder to get into banking career. He has attended 3 paper tests to qualify bank requirements. He has succeeded in his 3rd attempt and he finally got a job in a centralised bank. His friend zone has been increased. They never refused to help him when he struggles.

He married a girl with 10 years of difference between them (as it was usual those days). They lived a life where there would be love, fight, misunderstandings, quarrels, ego, temper and sacrifice. They blessed with 3 children – 2 sons and a daughter.

He strived for his children’s education with his monthly salary. He worked harder and harder without any casual or sick leaves. He has even worked over duty to get extra pay.

Without fuelling a machine or a human body properly, it won’t work in a good condition.

Yes, my daddy’s health became bad as he has to sit for the whole day and work. He had his first stroke attack when I was doing my high school.

He was in ICU. Family members were not allowed inside except his wife. I never had a heart to meet him either. He was a very strong and a brave man. No children will face their daddies in that condition. I am not an exception though. I never met him till he transferred to a normal ward (So do you believe me now- he is a real fighter).

Everyone advised him to quit his job and he was a clerk while he got his first stroke attack. We received a postal mail from his bank. Hurray! This was his promotion letter. We jumped out in joy because we never expected this. This helped him to recover faster as he was excited and happy.

He got his promotion post in Trichy which will take a night to travel from our hometown. He didn’t refuse to travel and stay far from family. This was his first time to stay away from us. My elder bother stayed and took good care of him. We used to visit them whenever we get holidays and vacations.

He then got transferred to Tirunelveli after working for 4 long years in Trichy.

No one will always have a smooth and happy life style every time.

Yes, my daddy had his second stroke attack when I was working in Chennai. My elder brother was working in a ship. Even if he had a chance fo visit, he could not. My mother and my younger brother took my daddy to a hospital. He was hospitalised but he informed my mother and younger brother not to inform me because he thought it may distress me (How could he think like that).

I packed my bag and took a bus after receiving a call from my mother around 7:00 PM. I prayed for my daddy during my 12 hour journey.

Glad the bus driver drove faster than any buses. I reached to hospital in the morning around 4:00 AM. When I ran to see him in ICU, he was casually talking to nurses. He introduced me to them, telling them that she is my daughter, she works in Chennai (Is this even necessary daddy?!). He was just pretending to act normal.

Such a cool daddy right. Yes, he is. Little arrogant too. He made us suffer during those times. I could not imagine a life without him.

I met his doctor because after my elder brother, I wanted to take care of things which I am not good at. But I have managed it somehow. His doctor advised me not to make my daddy suffer by telling him any shocking news (but why Im gonna tell him any shocking news, felt like I was watching a movie.. but this was reality).

I always think what will I do if Im in their place. I would have died. I am a weaker person. But he is not. He was thinking about us. He knows that we are nothing without him. He knew that I will lose my wings, he knew that I will lose my voice, he knew that I will lose my soul, he knew that I will lose my breath. He walked, he talked, he made us to smile another time.

What if I lose him? What if I was not born? I will never have a life. I never know the value of a father.

Back to the content,

I went to work in Kochi. I always like to meet new people, new culture, new language. Anyone who loves to travel makes a way easier even if it is harder. (That’s so me, I made it easier). My daddy never refused to let me travel. He believed me. He felt that I should not depend on anyone. He felt that I should be a brave and strong woman. He thought that I should learn and experience from my own adventures.

My elder brother always say that I should stay with my family and spend my time with my parents since I should not regret later that I haven’t valued the time of being with him.

This sparked my mind. I started to think that I can get a job at any time but the value of being with my parents cannot be attained anymore.

Do you want to know what my decision is?!

Yes, I quit my job. I packed my things. I booked a ticket in the next train to Tirunelveli.

My daddy got retired in an year after my arrival. Later he got his interest in terrace gardening. He cherished everyday in his garden.

After us and his garden, his interest is into his only grandson – my elder brother’s son.

When my nephew was born, we are amazed and happy. His sickness faded away and mental health becomes strong when he met his grandson. They have the similarities. They are connected. Their love was sealed for eternity.

I love every day with my daddy.
It makes me happy when I watch him smile.
I hate anyone, who disrespect my daddy.
I love anyone, if my daddy likes them.
I want this bond to continue.

I will always love you daddy.
I will always keep you happy.
I will always make you proud.

P.S. I never call my daddy as daddy. I call him Asai. He never responded if I call him Appa. So sweet right. Yea. That’s why I love my father more than anyone else in this world.

With love,
Anitha.
(Your’s only daughter)

A Grieving Son

Based on a real-life incident.

When I start this story with BASED ON TRUE INCIDENT everyone will doubt if it happens within my family. Whatever good or bad happens within us or in our next door, we always sympathize and emphatize our emotions in any way.

Two years ago, I met a married woman named Anu when I was preparing for civil services. It is usual for any engineering graduate to prepare for UPSC/ TNPSC exams. Im not an exception though. I am the most reserved and a shy lady whenever I meet a person for the first time but when I get into touch, I will be the most talkative and jovial who will never have a heart to lose me. (Going beyond the topic- thought a little intro is needed for myself).

When we get into touch, we came to know that we are connected to each other by a very far relationship. We shared our contacts. I am not a family oriented person so I don’t get into contact into any of my family relatives. I never attended wedding ceremonies or any occasions. I stay at home listening to music and reading books (most of the times in a meditation- nap)

Anu spoke about her paternal uncle Mohan who is also my father’s office colleague during his younger age. They have attended banking exams together. I always share everything with my father about what I did the whole day. He never refused to listen till this time.

Just to be clear about If Anu’s paternal uncle and my father’s colleague are same, I gathered some hint about my father’s friend. As per my daddy’s knowledge, Mohan uncle lives in Chennai with his family, his wife suffers from Kidney failure. They have 2 children – boy and girl. Both of them are adults and are unmarried.

Out of excitement, I called Anu and enclosed the information I got from my father. She said ‘Yes, he is but aunt is no more. She died few months ago’.

I was shocked to hear this news. I informed the same to my father and he felt that he should meet his friend directly to console the condolences.

When they met, Mohan uncle was glad to see his young age friend after a very long period. He invited my father to his daughter’s wedding which was planned suddenly. But also decided to do it grandly as she is his only daughter.

I went with my father and brother to attend the wedding where I met that uncle and his family for the first time. He was kind of happy and sad as he has not expected this ceremony without his beloved wife.

(I always observe people before getting too much attached.)

Anu and myself never spoke for a long time as she was busy with her lecturing job.

After few months

I own a dog named Joono who never keep his mouth shut when someone new comes to our home. I got disturbed from sleep and check to see from balcony who came to visit at this early morning. That was none other than Mohan uncle. He came to inform my father that he is leaving to Chennai to stay with his son as he is living alone in his flats. My father was happy and conveyed that he should take medicines and do some physical activities to keep his body and mind healthy (I was eavesdropping).

After two days

I heard someone knocking my door at an early morning. When I got up to check, my father said Mohan uncle’s son have committed suicide in their Chennai flats. He showed me the text he received from Mohan uncle.

I started to question myself ‘WHY?! WHY DID HE DO IT?’

I started thinking about that guy and his family’s mental health, I worried about his father because he didn’t deserve to suffer this much.

We are not heartless to call and ask them What happened? But Im losing my patience to know the truth.

I asked my father to call and empathize. But he refused because my father has a weak heart. He was not able to face his friend even through a phone call.

They met after 3 months while my father went to shop some grocery items.

Now it is time to reveal the truth about that guy’s suicide.

His son loves his mother more than anyone else in his life (I know men love their mothers).

He started missing his mother after her death so he kept telling his sister that he is going to meet his mother soon. He also advised his sister to take care of his pet.

He asked his father to stay with him as he is not willing to isolate himself anymore. (It happened during COVID quarantine)

He researched about a painless death in his laptop. He stopping hanging out with his friends. He never took food properly.

He got an idea about injecting high level of insulin into his body via Google.

He has longed for his father’s arrival for 5 months to kill himself.

He has bought insulin and syringes from pharmacy. He was well set to free his soul to meet his mother.

But Why? Why did you do it? You would have talked about your grievances to your family or even your friends. You would have taken counselling.

Why did your sister taken your grievance as a joke. Why didn’t she talked about this to your father?

Why weren’t we met? If we were, I would have tried my best to save you.

I am sorry. We never met, we never talked, we never even seen each other. I know that you are in a better place. This world is not fit for you. Or may be we are not deserved to have you.

You don’t deserve it. I hope you met your mother and you are watching your father’s grief from another world or from another dimension. May we meet again.

I am enclosing this incident with a woeful heart.

To everyone’s knowledge,

If someone is grieving about their lost ones, talk to them. Please never consider it as a joke.

Sometimes we forget to ask our loved ones WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM AND WHAT IS RUNNING ON THEIR MIND. It is never too late to ask. Instead of regretting later for losing them completely, it is good to spare your time with them. Tell them ‘IT’S ALRIGHT, I’M WITH YOU’.

P.S. Take care of your loved ones.

Note: The name of characters has been changed to keep their identities confidential.