The story of a overthinker

What do you think a girl’s fear will be? As I am a woman of 30 years age, I have faced the worst issues, even if I couldn’t handle the situation better, I tried surviving; because this is the important part where we look for a rescuers or a life savers. My life saver is my own hope.

I must introduce myself to talk about what my fears were and anxieties are. I was an active kid during my babyhood, I am the only daughter of my parents. So they tried securing me every time. I am always talkative, jovial and very friendly. I always respect people and their emotions.

I belong to a caste where every other communities degrade us. But I am glad that my generation are not a part of it completely. So I am kind of relieved in this caste and community system. But elders, teachers, principal isolated me from my classmates. I haven’t talked about it to my parents. Since they spent their time to give us a healthy life and environment. I thought not to ruin their thoughts. I wished that they must not know what I go through. My happiness and talkative nature faded lightly.

I got transferred to another school where the culture and everything were completely different. They respect their students, they taught me how to respect and how to enjoy every aspect of life. I took part in all kind of extra curricular activities. (In my previous school, they always strike my name out from the participants list. They always rejected me without looking at my performance. I love drawing, singing and writing. But they never helped or supported me to improve my talents where I can be good at. )

In my new school, I always won prizes and rewards whenever I participate in competitions like drawing, singing & poetry. Earlier my parents thought I was an average student. But they were surprised when I get to know that I have many talents and I was just not capable of revealing it.

During school days, I was a B grade student. I always wanted to play, draw or write poems. I never left a place without marking it with my art and signature.

After moving to engineering college, I came to understand that education is mandatory to get a job and earn enough money. I stayed in hostel to pursue my college education. I started to understand that looking into oneself is not a easy thing. When the responsibility increased I started behaving like a matured girl. I watched my father struggling with his job even when his health is not good, I studied harder and harder, I built my confidence. And finally graduated. (Casteism never left me even in college. I was shy to enclose my caste and I thought it is not mandatory to introduce myself with my caste name. Most of my friends thought that I belong to a different caste. My lecturer during first semester didn’t give attendance since I was 2 mins late to class. Even if I am punctual, he find an excuse to make me stand outside the class. He tried pushing me down whenever he got the opportunity. I had even decided to leave the college and stay at home helping mom. But my father said “Don’t listen to anyone. People talk. If you listen, you will never have time to look at yourself”. My daddy is One hundred percent right. I remembered it every single time when I was torn apart. I stick myself together, I got up, studied harder and harder till I succeeded. )

When people started demotivating me, my talkativeness and jovial attitude left from me. I started living in a quiet space but I was always the jovial young lady to my close friends. None will clearly understand what runs in my mind except my roomies.

What is the next phase of everyone’s life? Marriage?! Not at all. I applied jobs in overseas hospitals. I even got job opportunity to work in London’s famous hospital. But have you heard about bad omen. Yes, I had it too. It comes in a name of love. None lived without falling in love, I am not an exception though. I decided to work in my own state itself. I never know what would love be?! how people would express love?! As I have already said love is a bad omen. That bad omen is not love but the person I met. He started doubting me because I have plenty of friends. I didn’t tried proving him that he is wrong. If someone doubts us, they always doubts even if we smile at our shadows. I thought it was not necessary for me to prove anyone that I am right.

If I am true to myself, I don’t have to worry about anyone’s doubts. Why did he actually doubted me? Because he fell in love with another girl. Do I have to fight to get him back or leave him with what he wanted. Yes, I left him without creating any scene or making a mess. He came again, he regretted about his mistake. Girls are good at forgiving but not forgetting. I forgave and he started repeating the same mistake. Should I trust this fellow again? Actually, I did. It was like a loop. So I don’t have to explain again. Somehow 5 years passed, I decided to leave him for the last time and not to get back into him. If people commits mistake for a first time, it is okay. But what if they repeats it? I am not his parent or his teacher to teach him how to love someone truly?!.

It is not easy to recover from that first true love. I was transparent, trust worthy and always helping. But what did I get back? Betrayal & pain. I self harmed, I did all stupid things. I went into psychiatric counselling. Nothing changed. Finally decided to move from the place. Quit my job, stayed with family, lived in a quiet space, reading books and novels.

Have you ever read a romantic novel and imagined the characters as you and illustrated every scene as it is happening in your life? Yes, I did. I started longing for love and care. Even if my parents showered me their love, I expected someone to show me love. I longed for one true love.

Do you think it is a good idea to fall in love again? Yes, I did that too. But the mistake is I had fallen for a wrong man. It didn’t go well. Started to feel that men are men. Why aren’t they good enough to people who loves them truly?

I started loving myself, I expected nothing from others. I started living my life. I travelled to another state where everything was completely different. I felt the nature’s beauty. I fell in love with the weather, trees, rain, travelling and music. I started understanding self love. And I valued myself.

Is everyone allowed to stay happy for their lifetime? Not at all. It is in the hands of my family, friends and environment. In this case, my family never wanted me to stay away from them. Because it was 10 long years I stayed away from them. I visited them only during festivals. Now they want me to get marry. But who will my groom be? The hunt for a groom started. I started rejecting because I was scared about marrying a stranger. I guess I am not the only one who is scared of marrying a stranger. Who finally got marry? Definitely not me, my elder brother got married. But the hunt of my groom never stopped? Should I now accept anyone they show or rejects for no reason? Actually I started rejecting..

Now I am 30. When I look at my friends who are married and has kids, I regret that I made a wrong choice. I would have chosen anyone to start the new life.

I think everyone is fond of kids. I am not an exception though. I feel old now. This makes me to overthink a lot these days. My anxiety is improving each day. When my menstruation date is skipped for a day or two. I worry if it may make me infertile. I think overthinking is a quality of ageing. What my overthinking is asking me to do now?

Adopt a baby, girl. There are plenty of kids who doesn’t have a family. Why don’t I take a responsibility for a kid so that she will call me a mommy and I treat her like my kid?

Okay, let me stop here. First I must take care of myself. Without treating myself properly, how could I take responsibility of a child?

P.S I want everyone to stay happy and healthy. But please never betray anyone’s trust. This will hurt them. If you are not okay with their behaviour, tell them to their face. They will try to change or end the relationship. Never try to take revenge. They don’t deserve it. Let them live a life. If a chapter is over, there is no point in rewriting with another sequence.

One soulful vow

Bring it on-

And let truth be my existence.

Value my life-

And tell me like it is.

Bark at me when I’m wrong-

And hug me when I’m right.

Praise me if I succeed-

And tell me if I fail.

Laugh at me if you think I’m funny-

And wink at me if you think I’ m cute Yell at me if I ever hurt you-

And scold me if I’m ever bad.

I want my world to be real-

And I want to see your spirit.

I want to hear you breathe-

And I want to know how you feel.

Keep things real with me,

Because I want to be alive,

Don’t waste my time with insincerities.

Keep my world real.

10 Facts Every Woman Should Know:

1. Everyone has rolls when they bend over.

2. When someone tells you that you’re beautiful, believe them. They aren’t lying.

3. Sometimes we all wake up with breath that could kill a goat.

4. For every woman unhappy with her stretch marks is another woman who wishes she had them.

5. You should definitely have more confidence. And if you saw yourself the way others see you, you would.

6. Don’t look for a man to save you. Be able to save yourself.

7. It’s okay to not love every part of your body….but you should.

8. We all have that one friend who seems to have it all together. That woman with the seemingly perfect life. Well, you might be that woman to someone else.

9. You should be a priority. Not an option, a last resort, or a backup plan.

10. You’re a woman. That alone makes you pretty damn remarkable

Dear Dad,

To my precious father..
To my first love..
To my super hero..

Every girl in this universe loves their daddy more than anyone else.

I guess you have find the caption of my today’s content. Yes, this is none other than but about my daddy.

A first boy child born to a wealthy middle class farmer parents from Tirunelveli. They were overwhelmed with joy about his arrival.

They named him Asaithambi. (I always wonder why they named him thambi (younger brother) even though he was the first son to his parents). He is an active, playful boy during his childhood days.

He studied harder and walked miles to attend his school education. He studied under a street light since his home doesn’t have electricity. (You might think what this boy were doing during day time, let me tell you he might also be doing the same thing we did during our childhood days).

He is a self obedient boy and and also treated everyone with respect. He cleared his school education and graduated from bachelor of science in mathematics. Since he has been brought up from an uneducated family, he understood the value of education system and tried to help his siblings and natives as well.

He wondered for jobs and he has no idea about choosing a career. His ambition is to become a cop and he trained hardly to have a fit body for physical examination. But his uncle strictly disallowed him from joining police jobs.

He later studied harder to get into banking career. He has attended 3 paper tests to qualify bank requirements. He has succeeded in his 3rd attempt and he finally got a job in a centralised bank. His friend zone has been increased. They never refused to help him when he struggles.

He married a girl with 10 years of difference between them (as it was usual those days). They lived a life where there would be love, fight, misunderstandings, quarrels, ego, temper and sacrifice. They blessed with 3 children – 2 sons and a daughter.

He strived for his children’s education with his monthly salary. He worked harder and harder without any casual or sick leaves. He has even worked over duty to get extra pay.

Without fuelling a machine or a human body properly, it won’t work in a good condition.

Yes, my daddy’s health became bad as he has to sit for the whole day and work. He had his first stroke attack when I was doing my high school.

He was in ICU. Family members were not allowed inside except his wife. I never had a heart to meet him either. He was a very strong and a brave man. No children will face their daddies in that condition. I am not an exception though. I never met him till he transferred to a normal ward (So do you believe me now- he is a real fighter).

Everyone advised him to quit his job and he was a clerk while he got his first stroke attack. We received a postal mail from his bank. Hurray! This was his promotion letter. We jumped out in joy because we never expected this. This helped him to recover faster as he was excited and happy.

He got his promotion post in Trichy which will take a night to travel from our hometown. He didn’t refuse to travel and stay far from family. This was his first time to stay away from us. My elder bother stayed and took good care of him. We used to visit them whenever we get holidays and vacations.

He then got transferred to Tirunelveli after working for 4 long years in Trichy.

No one will always have a smooth and happy life style every time.

Yes, my daddy had his second stroke attack when I was working in Chennai. My elder brother was working in a ship. Even if he had a chance fo visit, he could not. My mother and my younger brother took my daddy to a hospital. He was hospitalised but he informed my mother and younger brother not to inform me because he thought it may distress me (How could he think like that).

I packed my bag and took a bus after receiving a call from my mother around 7:00 PM. I prayed for my daddy during my 12 hour journey.

Glad the bus driver drove faster than any buses. I reached to hospital in the morning around 4:00 AM. When I ran to see him in ICU, he was casually talking to nurses. He introduced me to them, telling them that she is my daughter, she works in Chennai (Is this even necessary daddy?!). He was just pretending to act normal.

Such a cool daddy right. Yes, he is. Little arrogant too. He made us suffer during those times. I could not imagine a life without him.

I met his doctor because after my elder brother, I wanted to take care of things which I am not good at. But I have managed it somehow. His doctor advised me not to make my daddy suffer by telling him any shocking news (but why Im gonna tell him any shocking news, felt like I was watching a movie.. but this was reality).

I always think what will I do if Im in their place. I would have died. I am a weaker person. But he is not. He was thinking about us. He knows that we are nothing without him. He knew that I will lose my wings, he knew that I will lose my voice, he knew that I will lose my soul, he knew that I will lose my breath. He walked, he talked, he made us to smile another time.

What if I lose him? What if I was not born? I will never have a life. I never know the value of a father.

Back to the content,

I went to work in Kochi. I always like to meet new people, new culture, new language. Anyone who loves to travel makes a way easier even if it is harder. (That’s so me, I made it easier). My daddy never refused to let me travel. He believed me. He felt that I should not depend on anyone. He felt that I should be a brave and strong woman. He thought that I should learn and experience from my own adventures.

My elder brother always say that I should stay with my family and spend my time with my parents since I should not regret later that I haven’t valued the time of being with him.

This sparked my mind. I started to think that I can get a job at any time but the value of being with my parents cannot be attained anymore.

Do you want to know what my decision is?!

Yes, I quit my job. I packed my things. I booked a ticket in the next train to Tirunelveli.

My daddy got retired in an year after my arrival. Later he got his interest in terrace gardening. He cherished everyday in his garden.

After us and his garden, his interest is into his only grandson – my elder brother’s son.

When my nephew was born, we are amazed and happy. His sickness faded away and mental health becomes strong when he met his grandson. They have the similarities. They are connected. Their love was sealed for eternity.

I love every day with my daddy.
It makes me happy when I watch him smile.
I hate anyone, who disrespect my daddy.
I love anyone, if my daddy likes them.
I want this bond to continue.

I will always love you daddy.
I will always keep you happy.
I will always make you proud.

P.S. I never call my daddy as daddy. I call him Asai. He never responded if I call him Appa. So sweet right. Yea. That’s why I love my father more than anyone else in this world.

With love,
Anitha.
(Your’s only daughter)