The delightful torment (cont..)

Few asked me via mail why I have not talked about the human pleasure a bit too deep. My last article was based on the talk with friends Who are close to my heart.

Few are guilty about the things I shared, few have queries WHAT IF (let me answer your queries), few stopped talking to me and few appreciated me for writing up about the dark fantasies. Yes! Everyone has their opinions, and I appreciate it for standing with their thoughts.

I have a male friend who always talk about Sin. By the way, what is Sin? How do we know if the act we do is unjustly right and fair? How do we declare something we do is immoral or dishonest? He also threatens me that I may spend a minute in hell for being a wicked and unscrupulous person. Don’t ask me if I’m a wicked person? I am not. I always love to annoy people with freaky scenarios. He gets irritated by me for being a weird woman.

If the thing we do is not at all making us to feel guilty, then what we are doing is definitely right. If you are 0.01% guilty about something, watch your steps, you are going to spend a second or minute in hell (am I sounding like my friend?! Actually YES, I believe him, but not one hundred percent). Do you understand why I mentioned this here? You can look at other women or men but when you realise that you are ditching your man or woman, please stop it right there. It’s just a vibration and it is never gonna last. We find this vibration from everyone we come across, but we never expose it unless they approach.

Oops.. wait.. I am not talking about few men or women who has no purpose in life. They don’t have moral values. They don’t think about dishonest and unjustly manner. They do what they want. They never realise the sufferings of others. All they wish to do is abuse and molest and never regret. This is definitely a sin. Because the act they do is making the affected one to lose faith and eventually spoils their mentality.

A girl I know who is of my age was raped when she was 12 years old. She never know what sex is, she never know what it feels like when a man touches her body. She haven’t reached her puberty age. She was just a kid. The rapists ran away after ruining her soul. She was drenched in blood and semen. She was later witnessed by her family. She was completely shattered. She is scared about men later on, she got shivers when a man comes next to her. DON’T WORRY. She is now a strong woman. She is a brave young lady, she is inspiring few. She believes that just because she was raped, she is not weak, she has a wonderful life, she talks about it boldly to let others voice out about their mental traumas. She always had a second thought about suicide. But she never tried to. She thought not to hurt her family or her friends by being a coward.

Is it her fault? Do you think that she deserves it? Do you think that someone can find a pleasure from a kid? What happened had just happened. Nothing can be erased or removed from her memory. Even the days, months and years make her memory to fade. But it still exists at some corner of her mind. It will last forever. But why aren’t those bastards (a person with no quality- can be called this way) are thinking about the future of the kids. Is it that simple? Couldn’t they find a prostitute to satisfy their pleasure?

If someone touch you without your permission, you can scream or call out for help or just run away from them. Speak out about your mental trauma to someone you trust. Tell them that you are not comfortable. You have strength to break their manhood. But you don’t have to. If it is necessary, definitely you can. He can’t complain. You don’t have to hide just because something happened. If some bastards are out alive with guts, why do you have to bend over?

Learn about it before trying. We never had an idea about sex education but nowadays everything has come in advance. There are lot more documentaries and series about sex education. But in my days We call it gender instead of calling it sex because we thought it was a sin. We never had guts to talk to a male friend because we thought it was a sin. We feared to touch each other, because we thought it would make us pregnant. We were shy because our family and neighbours thought having opposite gender friendship is a sin. Later on, the next generation kids started teasing us for being so dumb. Aren’t we lucky that we were innocents in our school days? Aren’t we lucky that we never had an idea about human pleasures till we were teenagers? Aren’t we lucky that being shy in front of our crush is a butterfly feel?

What is your idea about sex before marriage? Do you consider it a sin? If you think this is nothing but a sin, who is affected by it (both the genders are undoubtedly happy, they explored the pleasures, they find it completely that this sex is a pure connection of love). Sex is not a mistake. But we never know that the love partner we have now will destined to be our life partner or not. We just enjoy their existence. We never think about the future, we never plan about tomorrow. We live the life that we have today. If you break up with your love, if you get married to someone else, if you decide not to marry anyone, never try to chase the one you loved if he/ she is married. This is not what either of you deserve. Let them live their life.

What if your partner hates sex but you love? What if your partner ignores you when it comes to pleasure? What if either of you don’t find the sexual vibe from each other? Is it good to complain about your partner to your friends? I can advise you one thing, just sit and talk. Ask them why? Ask them why not? Just because they refuse sex now, it doesn’t mean they are going to refuse it lifelong. They may think that it is not the right time. Lets give them time and space. Don’t lose the love of your life just for a pleasure. Consider it a kind of test your partner is giving you. He/ she may test your patience. They may estimate you with your reaction. Don’t think about break up. Don’t argue for this. Don’t fight for it. You will get it someday. That day you will realise sex is nothing.

It is nothing to worry about virginity but we still fear if the love of our life slept with other man/ woman. Why do we have this gut feeling? Aren’t we trusting our life partner? Actually we do, but when they outspokenly say about their date or a one night stand. We fear. We doubt if he/ she date anyone now or later. Please never ask your loved ones about their past not because it will make them melancholic but you will also lose your peace and happiness. You will doubt their every single move. Let them forget. Let you forgive. This is the least thing we can do just to enlighten our existing life.

P.S Pleasure may come from illusion, but happiness can come only of reality. True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future. So they thoroughly taught each other that one cannot take pleasure without giving pleasure, and that every gesture, every caress, every touch, every glance, every last bit of the body has its secret, which brings happiness to the person who knows how to wake it. They taught each other that after a celebration of love the lovers should not part without admiring each other, without being conquered or having conquered, so that neither is bleak or glutted or has the bad feeling of being used or misused.


A woman’s disclosure

This revelation is not to hurt anyone but to say that the woman I know is helpless & disappointed. The woman I know is desperately seeks love and care.

Should I address her a woman or with any name? I am naming her Grace (I felt that this name suits her). Grace doesn’t want me to share her name but she wants everyone to know what she is going through.

Grace is a charming lady with kind heart & happiness. Everyone loves to be with her because she is a fun filled woman. You will definitely fall in love with her if you talk to her for the first time. Everyone adores her. She was an inspiration to many in her college days.

No one in the world had a smooth life without any disaster. But what is the disaster in her life? Grace’s mother made her to do all the household works when she was just a school kid. Her mother never looked at her, never cared her but blamed her when Grace scored less mark. Her mother said to everyone that her child (Grace) is characterless when Grace failed to help her mother with household activities. Her mother never cooked her food for lunch to school. And Grace never asked her mother to prepare food for her either. Because she knows nothing will happen and nothing changes.

Grace left her home and stayed in hostel to do her college education. She refused to visit her home during her holidays and vacations.

Years passed, Grace went to earn money. So then what? Her mother treated her well because she needed her child’s earning. Even Grace never refused to give her earning to her mother. Grace’s father working in a different district with an illness allowed her to stay brave.

Grace came to know that her mother is having a relationship with another man. What can she do? Can she fight to make her mother understand that men who flirts with a married woman are bastards? But how is she going to react? Can she ask someone for help? Can she tell it to her father to save their relationship? What can she do?

Out of frustration, She called her mother and scolded her badly. What did her mother do? Talked ill about Grace to family, friends and neighbours. Grace never broke down. She wish to stood for her family. She always wanted her family together. She ignored talking about it to anyone. Even when everyone asked her, why she is upset; she kept quiet. But why is this for? Is this going to make her family bonding stronger?

Grace started hating everyone. She realised that she is failing. She couldn’t do anything. She became weak. She got disappointed. She is helpless.

Her father found his wife’s relationship. You know what happened then? They fought, they blame each other. Grace’s peace faded away. Everything happened what she prayed not to happen. Anyhow she is glad that her mother will be out of this thing.

You know what happened next? Her mother never felt guilty about it. She talked ill about everyone to her husband. She is good at manipulating people. Grace’s father didn’t talk to her for 2 days. She worried about her father. She loves her father a lot. So she wanted to know why her father stopped talking to her? Her father asked her ‘do you love anyone?’ She was shocked. She was not in love with anyone. If she is, she would definitely say YES!. She wanted to know who rumoured about her? It is none other than her own mother.

Grace is done. Grace has lost his interest to live. She always felt jealousy when any of her friends tell her that their mom feed them & braided their hairs. She longed for it. The space of motherhood cannot be filled by anyone else. Even if she is surrounded by people who cares her, she misses a huge thing in her life. Its her mother.

She wandered why is this happening to her? She wandered why her mother talking ill about her child?, she wandered why her mother never cared her?, she wandered why she is unhappy, she wandered why she cannot accept it and let go?

She still loves her mother, she still loves her a lot and She still cares her so much. But her mother is not understanding it. But WHY?

Even if Grace expresses her solitude life through her silence, her mother never realised it.

I tell her not to worry and her mother will understand her someday.

What will you say to this soul? Doesn’t she deserve a happy life?

She is still chanting I AM DONE and willing to kill herself so that she won’t suffer anymore.

P.S To few parents, if you are unhappy with your life; don’t let your children suffer. You don’t have to feed your frustration to your kids. Let them live peacefully. I don’t want any Grace to suffer like this and cry in darkness.


Karma never lies

What do you know about Karma? Have you ever chanted this KARMA IS A BOOMERANG in your life? If you have, then let me tell you, someone has hurt your feelings and that someone has never felt guilty about it even when you tell them that you are unhappy with what they did.

Why are we just chanting instead of acting like them? Aren’t we having guts to break them as well? Why do we stay calm every single time?

What is karma actually? It is the law of cause and effect, the great law is what comes to mind for many people when consider what karma means. It states that whatever thoughts or energy we put out, we get back if it is either good or bad. “It’s like sowing and reaping, If you plant love and kindness, you shall get that in return.” You don’t just wait for good things to magically happen in your life; you have to actively go out there and make things happen.

You have heard someone chanting “Karma’s a bitch,” right? We hear that all the time. Somebody does something good, they get good karma. Something bad happens to someone, that’s because they had bad karma. But that’s not how it works. Surprised? Me too! We all think we know what karma means, but do we?

Importantly, karma is not set in stone, is not out of our control, and is not indirect. By this, I mean you don’t do good things with hopes of getting a randomly good outcome (karma is not doing your chores this week in hopes of winning the lottery).

Instead, it means that the steps of your life, your spiritual development, and your personality are directly molded by your thoughts and actions. Present you affects future you.

Karma has nothing to do with “fate.” If you do something negative, it doesn’t mean that something negative has to happen to you to “even it out.”

Let me share what my deep thoughts were. I always wanted to comfort everyone, I always thought of helping others, I have never felt of hurting anyone just for what they did. Im not a monk & I am not even a saint to just kept quiet for everything. Now let me reveal my deep thoughts. I always thought that they don’t deserve me, and I thought that some form of energy watches them doing a fault which will someday teach them that they are facing it because they did it to someone someday.

Is it a kind of satisfaction to wait and watch? I’m serious. Karma is not fate. Karma is an internal power that we create, for good or bad.

When we shift this to say “that’s karma,” when a bad thing happens to us, we are giving up our internal power. We are giving up our ability to change things.

It’s because of this false view that we desire to transform karma into a sort of cash machine based on our ethical and spiritual behavior.

However, if we can let go of this understanding of happiness, we can see that all we need is to live deeply in the present moment with mindfulness and discover our true nature.

Karma is simply energy. It’s our intentional thoughts and actions. The energy we generate now and in the future will affect us. It has nothing to do with reward or punishment. Karma is unbiased and it’s ours to control.

So now, let we talk about good, bad karmas & their results. First of all, let me embrace this clearly without confusing anyone’s idea or thoughts.

What are the good karmas? They are volunteering in a community, loving others as yourself & choosing what is moral over what is easy. What will be the results if we create good karma? You will be shocked with the results. Those are Strengthens society, which ultimately benefits you, increases your wisdom, helps you keep your negative emotions in balance & heals your soul.

What are the bad karmas then? Oppressing people, abusing power, stealing & cheating. You will bear bad results when you create a bad karma. They are enfeebling society, destroying your close relationships, losing your sense of self & being punished by society.

I am not a spiritual person to write briefly about Karma & its effects. But do we really know that if we are creating bad or good karma?

I always wonder if I am really a good person or not. Everyone around us, everyone close to us, says that we are a down to earth person. But each one one of us has their dark sides and we just refuse to relieve it to the world. Because we worry if it may leads to lose a relationship.

Do you think everyone is as good as they are. Everyone has their own traumas. Everyone has come across doing sins even they don’t even know that it’s a sin. So do we have to criticise them for their sins? Not at all, every one of us are guilty deep inside, we are trying to change. And we are altering our lives just to make our life better.

Which is the biggest sin than any other karma? Praying something bad for someone who betrayed us, cheated us & even broken us apart. If that someone did deserve a best bad effect for their actions, they will definitely face it with all their heart and there is no escaping. You don’t have to let them escape from their actions by taking a revenge or praying bad for them.

Say it to your heart, ‘Everything happens for a reason’.


P.S Karma never lies. But you can. And there is no escaping.

The story of a overthinker

What do you think a girl’s fear will be? As I am a woman of 30 years age, I have faced the worst issues, even if I couldn’t handle the situation better, I tried surviving; because this is the important part where we look for a rescuers or a life savers. My life saver is my own hope.

I must introduce myself to talk about what my fears were and anxieties are. I was an active kid during my babyhood, I am the only daughter of my parents. So they tried securing me every time. I am always talkative, jovial and very friendly. I always respect people and their emotions.

I belong to a caste where every other communities degrade us. But I am glad that my generation are not a part of it completely. So I am kind of relieved in this caste and community system. But elders, teachers, principal isolated me from my classmates. I haven’t talked about it to my parents. Since they spent their time to give us a healthy life and environment. I thought not to ruin their thoughts. I wished that they must not know what I go through. My happiness and talkative nature faded lightly.

I got transferred to another school where the culture and everything were completely different. They respect their students, they taught me how to respect and how to enjoy every aspect of life. I took part in all kind of extra curricular activities. (In my previous school, they always strike my name out from the participants list. They always rejected me without looking at my performance. I love drawing, singing and writing. But they never helped or supported me to improve my talents where I can be good at. )

In my new school, I always won prizes and rewards whenever I participate in competitions like drawing, singing & poetry. Earlier my parents thought I was an average student. But they were surprised when I get to know that I have many talents and I was just not capable of revealing it.

During school days, I was a B grade student. I always wanted to play, draw or write poems. I never left a place without marking it with my art and signature.

After moving to engineering college, I came to understand that education is mandatory to get a job and earn enough money. I stayed in hostel to pursue my college education. I started to understand that looking into oneself is not a easy thing. When the responsibility increased I started behaving like a matured girl. I watched my father struggling with his job even when his health is not good, I studied harder and harder, I built my confidence. And finally graduated. (Casteism never left me even in college. I was shy to enclose my caste and I thought it is not mandatory to introduce myself with my caste name. Most of my friends thought that I belong to a different caste. My lecturer during first semester didn’t give attendance since I was 2 mins late to class. Even if I am punctual, he find an excuse to make me stand outside the class. He tried pushing me down whenever he got the opportunity. I had even decided to leave the college and stay at home helping mom. But my father said “Don’t listen to anyone. People talk. If you listen, you will never have time to look at yourself”. My daddy is One hundred percent right. I remembered it every single time when I was torn apart. I stick myself together, I got up, studied harder and harder till I succeeded. )

When people started demotivating me, my talkativeness and jovial attitude left from me. I started living in a quiet space but I was always the jovial young lady to my close friends. None will clearly understand what runs in my mind except my roomies.

What is the next phase of everyone’s life? Marriage?! Not at all. I applied jobs in overseas hospitals. I even got job opportunity to work in London’s famous hospital. But have you heard about bad omen. Yes, I had it too. It comes in a name of love. None lived without falling in love, I am not an exception though. I decided to work in my own state itself. I never know what would love be?! how people would express love?! As I have already said love is a bad omen. That bad omen is not love but the person I met. He started doubting me because I have plenty of friends. I didn’t tried proving him that he is wrong. If someone doubts us, they always doubts even if we smile at our shadows. I thought it was not necessary for me to prove anyone that I am right.

If I am true to myself, I don’t have to worry about anyone’s doubts. Why did he actually doubted me? Because he fell in love with another girl. Do I have to fight to get him back or leave him with what he wanted. Yes, I left him without creating any scene or making a mess. He came again, he regretted about his mistake. Girls are good at forgiving but not forgetting. I forgave and he started repeating the same mistake. Should I trust this fellow again? Actually, I did. It was like a loop. So I don’t have to explain again. Somehow 5 years passed, I decided to leave him for the last time and not to get back into him. If people commits mistake for a first time, it is okay. But what if they repeats it? I am not his parent or his teacher to teach him how to love someone truly?!.

It is not easy to recover from that first true love. I was transparent, trust worthy and always helping. But what did I get back? Betrayal & pain. I self harmed, I did all stupid things. I went into psychiatric counselling. Nothing changed. Finally decided to move from the place. Quit my job, stayed with family, lived in a quiet space, reading books and novels.

Have you ever read a romantic novel and imagined the characters as you and illustrated every scene as it is happening in your life? Yes, I did. I started longing for love and care. Even if my parents showered me their love, I expected someone to show me love. I longed for one true love.

Do you think it is a good idea to fall in love again? Yes, I did that too. But the mistake is I had fallen for a wrong man. It didn’t go well. Started to feel that men are men. Why aren’t they good enough to people who loves them truly?

I started loving myself, I expected nothing from others. I started living my life. I travelled to another state where everything was completely different. I felt the nature’s beauty. I fell in love with the weather, trees, rain, travelling and music. I started understanding self love. And I valued myself.

Is everyone allowed to stay happy for their lifetime? Not at all. It is in the hands of my family, friends and environment. In this case, my family never wanted me to stay away from them. Because it was 10 long years I stayed away from them. I visited them only during festivals. Now they want me to get marry. But who will my groom be? The hunt for a groom started. I started rejecting because I was scared about marrying a stranger. I guess I am not the only one who is scared of marrying a stranger. Who finally got marry? Definitely not me, my elder brother got married. But the hunt of my groom never stopped? Should I now accept anyone they show or rejects for no reason? Actually I started rejecting..

Now I am 30. When I look at my friends who are married and has kids, I regret that I made a wrong choice. I would have chosen anyone to start the new life.

I think everyone is fond of kids. I am not an exception though. I feel old now. This makes me to overthink a lot these days. My anxiety is improving each day. When my menstruation date is skipped for a day or two. I worry if it may make me infertile. I think overthinking is a quality of ageing. What my overthinking is asking me to do now?

Adopt a baby, girl. There are plenty of kids who doesn’t have a family. Why don’t I take a responsibility for a kid so that she will call me a mommy and I treat her like my kid?

Okay, let me stop here. First I must take care of myself. Without treating myself properly, how could I take responsibility of a child?

P.S I want everyone to stay happy and healthy. But please never betray anyone’s trust. This will hurt them. If you are not okay with their behaviour, tell them to their face. They will try to change or end the relationship. Never try to take revenge. They don’t deserve it. Let them live a life. If a chapter is over, there is no point in rewriting with another sequence.